Some nights, in the pitch black darkness, I close my eyes and see the vainglorious smirk of that awful little Play-Doh boy, devoid of all sympathy, and wearing his blue beret kind of sideways. Maybe that’s how you wear a beret. I’m not sure. But it’s definitely dumb looking. In this desolate vision I hear the blonde terror call out to me, longing to be in my digestive system where it can inflict the havoc of 10,000 pizza bagels. Then I am roused to consciousness in a cold sweat, screaming like Nathan Lane at his worst, and then gagging ever so dryly. It takes me a few seconds, but I always remember: it’s 2009. I don’t eat Play-Doh that much anymore.
The tummy aches are mostly over, buddy. You’re gonna make it after all.
Play-Doh Pete was a cruel mistress back then. I learned the hard way but I didn’t have to learn it twice. After that, if you think I wanted my messy molding material from a company that can’t even spell the word “playschool” correctly then you are sorely mistaken, friend. I would much rather play with a substance from a company that makes up words willy-nilly because I’m watching Hey Dude and Salute Your Shorts, and a child who knows where his loyalties lie is a child to be reckoned with.
Mom, Dad, I want GAK!
Nickelodeon and Mattel released Gak in 1992 off the success of the show Double Dare. Gak instantly became a huge seller as it combined children’s two favorite things: 1.) Slimy, yucky-feeling play mucus and 2.) Fart noises. You could utilize Gak in a number of ways including throwing it, pretending it’s snot, holding it, and squeezing it! And when the pressure of the science fair became too heavy, you could even roll Gak into stress ball that would emit flatulent sounds when you squeezed it. Can you think of a more
hilarious way to relieve anxiety (besides Margaret Cho)?
I’m still unsure as to how kids got Gak because parents had to buy it for them and one thing is certain about the Nick compound…parents DID NOT get Gak. How could they, what with their tax forms and Christopher Cross records? Parents just seemed oblivious to the several minutes of happiness Gak delivered, especially when it leaves grease stains on the wallpaper or ends up mushed in the carpet. I’m sorry, Mom. OKAY? SORRY! OKAY?! I guess I’ll just never have fun again.
Well, the brainigaks over at Nickelodeon/Mattel could have retired on the success of their creation and moved into that summer home in Weinerville they’ve always dreamt about, but nay said those noble slime slingers. They researched when kids play with Gak the least, discovered it was at nighttime when kids are supposed to be sleeping (yeah right!), and advanced Gaknology to solve the quandary.
Nickelodeon Gak-in-the-Dark, thankyaverymuch.
There was also Nickelodeon Solar Gak (changed color in the sun) and Nickelodeon Smell My Gak. That was the Gak that came in a series of different odors. Aromas included hot dog, baby powder, flowers, vanilla ice cream, pickles, and sunscreen. I had the butter popcorn flavor. I couldn’t believe how close to kind of smelling like popcorn it really was!
You might be saying to yourself, “Sure, Gak is an amazing, purposeful product, but I’m not sold. How could some old mooncalf (and appreciated reader) like myself have taken advantage of Gak’s greatness to the absolute pinnacle of enjoyment? Was there some sort of activity set that would have manifested all my wildest hopes?”
There’s the Gak Inflator–Pump that bastard into a big Gak bubble until POP! If you’re not having fun, then you’re dead!
How’z about the Gak Vac–If you guessed ‘vac’ was short for vacuum, you’re nearly right! Suck that Gak up and then squirt it back out again for some reason!
Of course there’s the Gak Copier–Magically write on Gak to give your friends Gak messages that say Gak things!
And for all you science-minded Gaksters, don’t forget about Magnetic Gak–It’s probably useful. Enjoy, nerds!
Now, if you’re still not convinced that Gak ain’t wack, just check out this laundry list of other Nickeolodeon materials inspired by Gak:
Goooze Floam Skweeez Smud Squand Zzand
I hope you’re happy now.