#9 ESPN Presents: Jock Jams, Volume 1 (Part I)?

Sports. I’m watching them right now. Is there a more effective avenue for sheilding our weak minds from the misery of life? Movies are cool, yes. Books? Sure. I like books. I’m an avid book-looker. Friendship? The company of a dear friend is assured relief probably. Does music help? That depends on how much Mariah you have. What about love? You didn’t read the question correctly.

But there’s something you just don’t get from the aforementioned answers: PURE ATHLETIC DOMINANCE.

Humans are competitive by nature. Show me someone who is completely uncompetive and I’ll show you the South American brown-throated sloth. Because that would be the same thing that you showed me. Get it?

Of course you do. Furthermore, BOOYAH!basketball-dunking-on-someone-250x300

I apologize for being somewhat instigative there, but that’s how it goes in the Wide World of Sports. You talks da trash and then you brings da ruckus. That’s why the planet Earth loves sports. Who wants to button up their day with some adult contemporary when there’s a power forward out there eatin’ dem nutz?

If I haven’t convinced everybody on the internet to agree with me (which is always Objective #1), then surely you agree with me on this: A great game of sports is only as great as the music that pumps up the fans.

Not many sports fans are aware of the historically documented moment in which the marriage of music and sports surpassed the awesomeness levels of all other sports-related crowd-pumping techniques. This list includes cheerleaders, mascots, foam fingers, mini-helmet ice cream jockjamsporringers, face paint, nachos, Charles Barkley, and even arduous high-fiving. Do you know what this moment was? If your answer contains the words “marching” and “band” in it, get the hell off my website.

Jock Jams, Volume 1 is my favorite loosely sports-themed album of 1995. It collects the hottest crowd-pumpin’ grooves of all time for God’s sake. If I was going to throw something on my boombox back then, it was usually a tough choice between JJ1, The Lion King soundtrack, and The Rembrandts‘ L.P. If I wanted the choreography of a stadium dance rapped to me, there was no choice.

Who knew almost all of these crowd-pleasers were actually love letters to casual sex? You know, besides adults.

The Official Jock Jams, Volume 1 Complete Track Rundown:

1. Lets Get Ready to Rumble by Michael Buffer–If you’ve never seen or heard this, you need to hook up cable to your igloo.

2. Get Ready for This by 2 Unlimited (1991)–Have you ever listened to a song that made you want to decapitate adversity more than this one?

3. Whoomp! (There It Is) by Tag Team (1993)–“Point blank gin and juice I drank, gettin’ bent and bent as a puff on a dankt. Rock a mic. Uh oh, I crave skin. Rip shit, find a honey to dip it in. Slam dunk it, stick it, flip it, and ride that B-O-DOUBLE T-Y. Oh my. Oh, that’s it. Come on, come on. Whoomp, there it is. I’m done.”–DC

4. Strike It Up by Black Box (1991)–Opening this box reveals gift of smoothness. To: White people. From: Italy.

5. Tootsee Roll by 69 Boyz (1994)–Directional moving and hip-dipping in the name of ASS. Also, turns out group name is more suggestive than impressive. It would be difficult to argue with that many dudes who all wanted to see it.

To be continued…

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~ by Kevtron on October 4, 2009.

2 Responses to “#9 ESPN Presents: Jock Jams, Volume 1 (Part I)?”

  1. you just made my day! miss you mucho

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fighting fire with unlit matches

Gonna raise me an army, some tough sons of bitches /// Recruit my army from the orphanages

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