#8 Dancing Flowers?
Being the middle class comic book reading white young person that I am, you better believe I can dance. You might even consider me a student of dance. I mean, if you consider Mr. Miyagi a student of Karate.
Now you’re probably saying out loud to your computer, “Kev, you’re no braggart. What gives?” It’s true. I can’t toot my own horn, no matter how hard I try, but when you’re a maniac on the floor, sometimes you gotta get a little maniacal. And braggy. J.C. Chasez will tell you the same thing.
Some people call it ‘cutting a rug.’ I’m not so mirugynistic. I call it ‘making hot love to the rug with my feet penis.’ I get a lot of weird looks from people when I say that. You know, a lot of people told Picasso that he painted eyes and mouths in the wrong places. Guess what? It’s supposed to be like that, dummy. Being an artist is tough.
Now, I’ve never had any formal training in my art of choice. I’m self-taught. Like Bob Dylan and Mark McGrath. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel what Ernest Hemingway says the Spaniards call aficion. I feel a ton of aficion. Butt loads. That’s why I can appreciate the grace and passion and sexuality of dance in everything I see. But especially in dancing flowers.
As you might know, I’m usually very professional when it comes to these posts. It takes weeks of research on each subject before I even feel halfway close to beginning a new entry. Chalk it up to my upbringing. I was always taught, “Be thorough, or don’t.” Not a lot of options there. However, I feel that in this particular instance I’m just going to go with my gut. Wing it. Since when did a ballerina care about who wrote the ballet? She just feels it in her dainty bones.
The dancing flower was invented sometime in the 80s by a millionaire. It became extremely popular because it was probably scientifically PROVEN to turn all frowns upside down. All you had to do was put that bad boy next to a speaker, pump out the jams, and, voilà, seconds of entertainment. But what if I’m walking from my car into work and I don’t have a way of producing music for a mid-trip flower dance pick-me-up? Don’t worry. You can sing a little tune yourself. Or just speak. Snap your fingers a couple times even. That flower will boogie back and forth regardless. Hell, you could just sit all day insulting the thing–it’s still groovin’. Can you say the same for Beyonce?
Also, the dancing flower wore sunglasses so you know it’s cool. Plus, it usually held some type of instrument so it’s almost as if the flower is playing the music it’s dancing to. America hadn’t seen that much thought put into a toy since the Glo Worm.
You might remember that the dancing flower wasn’t the only dancing novelty toy on the block. That’s right! There was also the dancing Coca-Cola can. The dancing Coke can also rocked the sunglasses, but wore headphones instead of playing an instrument. Whoa. Talk about upping the ante. The success of the dancing flower and Coke can affected society to an unexpected degree, inspiring other inanimate objects to “dance” such as the Green Machine frog band, the toaster in Ghostbusters II, and Al Gore.
If you think the dancing flower was a stupid idea then I don’t want to hear about it. You obviously don’t get it. Go back to watching something sit idly. An artist can become jaded with his art. I understand this. I doubt the winner of American Idol plays American Idol: The Video Game to relax, and a sculptor most likely doesn’t grab some Play-Doh when he’s feeling down, but, as a dancer, I can tell you that there’s nothing better than coming home from a hard day, throwing on some Huey Lewis, and swaying back and forth with your favorite floral friend. And that’s what matters most. You can’t put a price on comfort. But if you did, it would probably be around $14.99.
I haven’t seen a dancing flower in years but I know in my heart of hearts that it’s waiting in the wings. Waiting for the perfect time to make its wobbly move. And when it does, don’t call it a comeback.
The quality of this video sucks, but the flower just rocks so hard. GET IT, FLOWER!
As for this video, it’s like the internet knew exactly what I wanted.
Lastly, I would like to dedicate this post to Swayze. The dirtiest dancer of them all. RIP.