#6 Cookie Crook & Officer Crumb?

Have you ever woke up early in the morning, around 11-11:30, and thought to yourself, “Man, I could really go for a bowl of tiny chocolate chip cookies covered in milk…so much so, in fact, that I would most likely STEAL it from a CHILD given the opportunity?” Your answer may vary from “Yes-Everyday” to “Only a Few Times a Week.” Both cases, I’m sorry to tell you, result in you having the Cookie Madness. Cookie Madness is not a joking matter. It can turn your most business minded and noble blue monster into a cookie craving mentally unsound fiend. It causes family members to bicker with one another over the proper and most efficient way to eat a cookie. And, yes, it can even make the most seemingly normal pup of all the cartoon dog robbers yodel to no end. My God.

GMChipCookieHoundI’m sure you all remember Chip, the Cookie Crisp loving dog of yesteryear. He would often travel from group of children to group of children singing the praises of his cereal and exploding young minds with its raw deliciousness. Some adult would always come into the picture, some totally lame square adult at that, and be like, “Cookies aren’t for breakfast. Cookies are for other times. This is ridiculous,” and then Chip would shovel a bite of Crisp down their bossy kid-ordering pipes, one bite, and BOOM!

Cookie Madness.

But do you remember how this kid-helping canine crusader came to be? If not, then allow me to explain before Twentieth Century Fox or Warner Bros. picks up the rights to Chip’s origin story and casts Ryan Reynolds as the lead. CAW-OOOOOOOOKIE CRISP!

Guess what, kiddos. That dog has priors.

It all began with the Cookie Crook. The Cookie Crook would attempt to steal Cookie Crispcrookbig from a live action bowl of the cereal, but was always busted by Officer Crumb, the Cookie Cop, an Irish American policeman assigned to protect children’s unorthodox first meal. Sorry, Cookie Crook, but it’s all in the Game. After developing new and ingenious methods for stealing real-ass cereal from giant actual children, and always to no avail, the Cookie Crook returned to his own fully animated world and became a normal sized adult man. But, in his campaign to end all cookie themed cereal theft, Officer Crumb was never too far behind. Watching. Waiting.

I always felt that the Cookie Crook should have laid low. The mask is fine, but does he need the red Macy Gray hat that actually advertises his love of cookies. I also always felt that his mustache is hilarious. But instead of losing the hat, purple shirt, and blue sneakers, the Cookie Crook adopted a new best friend (and a partner in crime) in the early 90s. And thus our anti-hero hound is introduced.

CookiecrispChip was probably a good dog, good puppy, he is a good puppy, you are a good puppy, aren’t you? Yes, you are. Yes, you are. But of course, when your master is a raving lunatic with a sweet tooth and one purpose in life, what can you expect? Like master, like dog, I always say.

Chip and Cookie Crook were always thwarted by Officer Crumb. By 1997, Chip had become so popular that General Mills completely axed Cookie Crook and Officer Crumb from the cookie party. Chip lost the mask, probably found God, and then went forth to talk instead of take.

Eventually Chip was changed, as well. In 2003, General Mills introduced their newest mascot for the Cookie Crisp cereal line, Chip the Wolf. He may have kept Chip the Dog’s first name and signature howl, but he was an idiot. And nobody likes an idiot.

Chip never lost the relentless addiction that stemmed from his Cookie Madness, but he set aside his criminal ways to help us all see that, yes, you can have cookies for breakfast, and, yes, it can be an exciting part of your complete breakfast. And for that, I judge him not.

RIP Chip the Dog

1990ish-2003

Hey, Wikipedia has a list of the taglines for Cookie Crisp over the years. They have got to be the least clever taglines I’ve ever seen for anything ever! Here we go:

-You can’t have cookies for breakfast, but you can have Cookie Crisp! (1977 – 1983)

-If you like cookies, you’ll love Cookie Crisp! (1983 – 1990)

-Little cookies you can’t resist. (1990 – 1996)

-It’s like lots and lots of little chocolate chip cookies! (1996 – 1997)

-Doggone good cookies for breakfast! (1997 – 2000)

-The one with the big chocolate chip cookie taste. (1998 – 2002)

-Coooookie Crisp! Next time, it’s mine! (2003 – 2007)

-Totally Chipalicious (2007 – Current)

Thanks, Wikipedia! If you like cookies, you’ll love Cookie Crisp!? Shouldn’t you love the real thing before you go for the hardened, miniature, artificially flavored substitute? Nope? Okie doke. My bad.

Commercials! First without Chip…

And then one with him. They just can’t make it over to the other side of that bridge. Oh man, classic.

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~ by Kevtron on July 13, 2009.

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fighting fire with unlit matches

Gonna raise me an army, some tough sons of bitches /// Recruit my army from the orphanages

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